Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Simon Jenkins, a Teacosy, Nipples, and a Seductive Onion

I had promised (to noone in particular but still it’s a promise) that I would feature some newbie comedians on my comedy blog (now being read by 5…yes FIVE..people, I’m so proud). So armed with a bag of twiglets and a half eaten liquorice allsort I managed to bribe my first victim (the allsort was one of those pink ones with the white bit in the middle so strictly speaking it wasn't a liquorice allsort but just icing, but I think I got away with it) without further ado (or more of my inane drivel), this is Simon Jenkins answering my 20 questions (and to be frank, I'm sure Mr Skinner would agree, I have a sneaky feeling we'll be seeing a lot more of this chap in the future (teacosy optional) You heard it here first.), over to you Mr Jenkins:

1) Full Name

Simon Jenkins

2) How old are you?

21 and a sixth.

3) Other vital statistics?

I have four beautiful eyes, and my nipples are smaller than a 5p piece.

4) Where are you from?

Old Portsmouth. It's essentially Portsmouth, just a little bit older.

5) How long have you been a stand-up comedian?

I've been doing stand-up for just over a year now.

6) Describe yourself/your comedy in three words?

Immature and really...

7) When & where is your next gig?

My next gig is tomorrow night at the Comedy Tree in Putney. It's a wicked line up so should be a nice night. I'm trying some new stuff so always a bit anxious...

8) Who are you major influences?

I'd say my biggest influence is Paul Whitehouse (from Fast show). My dad used to let me stay up late and watch it and I think that's how I got into comedy. In terms of stand-up, I'd say Frank Skinner is one of my heros. I had the pleasure of gigging with him recently – was beautiful. I cried... twice. In terms of general influences in life – Nadine from Girls Aloud.

9) If your comedy was an item of food what would it be?

Mexican Bacon: It's quite risky: some of you will see it and be fine. Some of you will see it and become very sick and potentially die.

10) What was your worst Comedy moment?

Actually last week. I was going on stage just before Russell Howard at a club in London so was obviously quite nervous. I walked on stage and the microphone was jammed into the stand. I pulled quite hard at it but it didn't come out. The audience's clapping died down and at that moment, I pulled the mic out, it hit me in the face with such force my glasses fell to the floor. The first minute of my set was spent checking for blood and trying to find my glasses. I've got it on video, but no one will ever see it - EVER!

11) What was your best Comedy moment?

Best comedy moment came last month. I was in the Paramount Student Comedian of the Year final at the Comedy Store. It was my first time there. Absolutely insane. The place was sold out, like 450 people, and I had mates / family there. My set was the best I've done. Then Robin Ince was judging (another hero of mine) and said some amazing things. Didn't win the night, but it was a properly good experience.

12) If you could travel back in time, what advice would you give to yourself?

1. Get Laser eye surgery. 2. Don't get your hopes up, Liverpool will not win the league. 3. Don't smoke. 4. Still don't talk to strangers. 5. Don't trust Timberland – it's never too late to apologise!

13) What’s your Dad’s worst joke?

Did you ever meet that gay Scottish bloke? Ben Doon (to be said in a Scottish accent). Awful joke, pure awful, yet i'm in hysterics writing it!

14) Do you often get urges to throw annoying women out of windows in Libraries?

I refuse to go to libraries now. They're all rubbish. I get rage quite easily. Especially at my uni library. Some people just go there to talk as loud as they can about Kanye West's new song, or that new skirt, or that bloke from last night, or thrush. I've never actually confronted anyone about it, but I know that one day I'll flip out and kick someone in the face.

15) Are you a mover or a shaker?

Neither. I simply can't dance.

16) What are your views on facial hair?

Sore subject to be honest. I can't grow facial hair. No idea why. It's not genetic. Both my parents have beards, but I can't manage it. Any facial hair that does appear is just a fine ginger lock growing from my chin. Form a queue ladies...

17) Clams or Oysters?

Neither. I'm proper picky about what I eat. Are Oysters the things that make you wanna have sex? They're rough. I prefer toast or an onion to seduce my lady.

18) If you were abducted by aliens (assuming you haven’t been already) what would you say (“take me to your leader” is not permissible)?

“Is there a smoking room on this spaceship”... Or, “I swear to God this thing better have Channel 4... If I miss Scrapheap Challenge there will be issues”.

19) Do you leave wet towels on the bathroom floor?

No f*cking way. I'm properly anal (ha) about stuff like that. I hate dirty towels. When I'm rich I'm gonna use a fresh new towel everyday. I simply can't wait. It'll be very special.

20) Do you have a stalker?

For those of you that know me very well you'll be laughing at this question. I'm gonna go ahead and just say 'no'.

Simon Jenkins is on


Simon Jenkins official website (almost)

Simon is also part of that Channel 4’s Year Dot thingy thing too

And just found out the young man is also on twitter, twittertastic!

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